Sunday, August 22, 2010

Dear Emi

I read your most recent blog post "if you really knew me" and i thought i'd post mine for you!

If you really knew me you'd know that...
1. Sometimes I'm still ashamed to be a Christian, and I constantly fight myself to stand by God. I feel like i'll always be trapped by my self, and never be able to become "good enough" to be with Christ.
2. I am incredibly insecure, and often look to other people for that security. When I dont get that from other people, I freak out.
3. I'm self-conscious. I feel inadequate with others, like I don't fit in.
4. It's always hell for me to trust people, even people i love. Sometimes I have bad dreams about someone i'm close to hurting me, someone that would never do that, and for days afterwards i can't trust them because of the dream.
4. I want everyone to like me, my ideas, and my way of going about things. But not everyone sees things the same way i do, and not everyone will like me- it's frustrating knowing this.
5. I mood-swing between shy and outgoing. I hate myself for it because sometimes i'm too outgoing when i need to shut my mouth, and other times I'm too shy and I come off rude.
6. I've felt like crying either right after or days after having sex. Because I'm not married, and I know it's wrong and feel awful for not controlling myself. And I often will sleep with someone or mess around with them to feel loved or better about something.
7. Most of the time it's hard for me to forgive. Occasionally i'll have someone who made me so angry and i couldn't forgive them so I cut them off (elyse) only to miss them later and regret becoming angry, even if I was right to be mad.
8. I feel unwanted, and like all i do is mess everything up. I constantly feel like people i love will stop loving me back and leave. I'm always afraid of being hurt. It ruins my happiness, and I desperately want to find a way to finally be at peace so I can truly be happy.
9. I have things I'm so ashamed of, that I try to keep them secret from even myself.
10. I want someone who knows how to help me find my resolve when i feel dead and weak, but in the end I'm always left to myself. I feel exhausted and angry toward other people because of this. I feel like they should be able to do something to help me, but in the end it's always me helping myself.
11. I want someone I can trust, but feel like I'll never find someone i could trust completely. I feel violated from the simplest of differences.

I love you emi!

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